I've been on Facebook for a few years, going through its many cycles; even through a (somewhat embarrassing) article mentioning how Facebook was on its way down, as it was full of 30-something year old "geezers". Hmmm... Where's that other article about how 30 was the new 20??? lol
In fact, it's from my postings on Facebook that I was told by friends to start a blog, as they thought I was "vastly amusing". Blog started, unbeknownst to my friends. Thank goodness none of them know about this yet, as I find I'm not nearly as interesting and cool on this as I think I am on FB. Yeah, emphasis on the word think.
Well, I'm hoping you'll bear with me as I get my footing with this blog and start to entertain you with my acerbic wit, snazzy photos, and unparralleled fascination with all things food. In the meantime, here's a bit of me and my daily facebook ramblings.
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Crap. Totally having a "Park Like An Asian Day"
Hate the awkward moment you see the Depends in someone's shopping cart and you make eye contact with them right after.
Moon so big I was tempted to post a picture until clearer minds prevailed and I thought, "Wow, do you want to lose any semblance of street cred you have left??"
Uh. I'm having a Tawny Kitaen kind of hair day. Unless I find a 80's hot rod to writh on top of, I've gotta get this in check.
Dammit, I just waved to a complete stranger cuz she waved and I thought she was someone I knew. You know all you white people look the same to me... ;)
Stupid iPhone tried to correct my comments from "What a great bag!" to "What a great vag!" Come on!!! How do you come back from THAT??!!!
Ghost Rider 2 makes me wish Nicholas Cage wasn't broke so he'd still be living in Newport Beach. That way I could go over to his house, slap him for 2 hours of my life I'd never get back, and demand my $14 back. What a Craptacular failure!
Me to Hubby: Stop annoying me or I'm gonna step on your good foot. How would you like TWO casts???
If my son blasts Mexican folk music in the car ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna superglue a sombrero to his head.
Saw a 16yr old girl at Starbucks this morning with heavy makeup, smokey eye and all, wearing hootchie clothes in 5" heels. Wow, that's an STD waiting to happen...
Seeing my son liberally douse himself with Axe body spray before the game makes me wonder if he imagines little 10yr old blonde girls throwing themselves at him on the field ala TV commercials...
I must really look rough after the lack of sleep last night if the "Mom With So Much Plastic Surgery She Looks Like Cat Lady" is looking at me funny.
Checking on one of my son's extra credit papers. He used at least 20 different fonts. It looks like a damn ransom note...
Drinking pear cider at Son's baseball game. The more I drink, the more I start shouting baseball tips to the batters. Yeah, pay no attention to the girl wearing prissy clothes at the game.
Son today: When you get older I'm going to buy you chocolates.
Me: Oh that's so sweet...
Son: Yeah, in 15 years when you're old and have lost all your teeth, I'm buying you chocolates so you don't choke on taffy and candy canes.
The look on Son's face at seeing his first Victoria's Secret commercial tonight was priceless. Half interest, half embarrassment that I caught him looking. I'm not looking forward to when he discovers their catalog... O_o
Hate when I get too much oil applied on me during a massage. I now feel like I need to find someone to wrestle in a ring.
Family dinner conversation in my household. Me: "So, what did you learn at school?" Son: "Sperm goes into the uranus." O_o Ummm...no. Didn't know if I should correct or ignore. I vote for ignore.
So weird seeing a big guy driving a Miata. It's like stuffing a G.I. Joe doll into barbie's dream car.
Sometimes tennis is fun only to listen to the comments. "Try to bend down for the low balls." "That ball almost hit my head." Ahahaha
Only in Newport Beach is a Ed Hardy Tshirt acceptable wedding attire.
Needed to get new glasses, so I found the most beautiful vintage 70's Dior glasses from a shopkeeper back east; they're an iridescent horn rim frame, just stunning! Waited 2 weeks for them and they finally arrived. Guess what I look like? The Communist Chinese character from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Either that or an Asian Where's Waldo. Major fail.
Short skirt and leather seats in your car left in the sun makes hot buns, but not the good kind. This should've been a Grannie Panty Day...
It's one of those mornings; Kept trying to unlock my car by pressing my iPhone button. Obviously, I was standing outside my car for a bit before I realized I was a dumbass...
I think the Korean Spa lady and I might have made a baby today. "Why are you scrubbing me THERE???!!" Well, maybe not a baby, but at least third base. Gross...
Knee socks with high heels don't look good unless you actually go to catholic school or are under the age of 22. If not, you look like a bad Aerosmith video reject or a porno star. Please fix.
Was able to slick my hair back into a ponytail today (with the aid of a full can or hairspray!), including the front that was all burned off, for the first time since the explosion. Now y'all know that too much hairspray makes little white flecks, right? Well tell that to my son who yelled "I'm sorry Mom but I think you have lice!!!" in the middle of a crowded lunch. FML
You know you're flat-chested when your son asks, "Mom, how are you keeping that up?" when you wear a strapless dress. (sigh!)
Coffee gal is a bit too snarky cheerleader peppy for me this morning. There's a spirit finger I'd like to give her..
8am baseball tournament in some run down field that smells. Ugh. Smells like where farts go to die...
Bikini waxing is NOT a speed sport! Owweee
In a misguided attempt to be "healthier", I'm drinking Mango flavored Zico coconut water. Gross. It tastes like cold armpit sweat.
New rule: if you look old enough to drive and shave, you're probably too old to have a cookie sale with your mom.
Son surprised me this week with the "sex talk". I didn't do too well, muttering something about a "special hug". He must not have been happy with it, as he asked hubby to clarify during lunch at Mortons yesterday. I heard the word "penetration" as I started choking on my steak... Fail. Major fail.
Frantically searching for hubby's cell phone. I try calling it then slowly ask "Is that your phone vibrating in your pocket??!!"...I suspect I'm not only the funny one but the smart one in this relationship too... ;)
Just saw my neighbor walking her cat in a baby carriage. Seriously gonna have to fight the urge to TP her house tonight.
Son at the pool: "I see drunk people.". Hmm...he's the Haley Joel Osment of Cabo.
I feel so sorry for that lady putting sunscreen on her husband's back hair.
Girls getting together and talking about "feelings" all night makes me want to stick a chopstick in my eyeball. WTH??!! Are we in some stupid Judy Bloom novel???
Spent the last two hours getting scrubbed & massaged at the Korean spa, praying "Please let what my hand is touching be her belly. Please let that be her belly!!!" .....It wasn't.
Have the ridiculous urge to use my new fun word, "slore". As I'm headed to my 10 yr old son's Cotillion, that may not be the ideal situation to try the word out...
Embarrassment is having your husband walk in on you while you're practicing the "Whip Your Hair" dance in front of the bathroom mirror. Now, not only does he think I'm a major weirdo, but I might have a bit of whiplash on my neck. (sigh!) This is what I get for trying to do a dance invented by a 9yr old...
Think it's really hot when you snort yourself awake during a facial.
It's always nice to realize at the end of the day that you've been wearing your clothes inside out.
Happy facebooking, blogging, tweeting, instagramming, pinteresting, snapchatting, etc!!!
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